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An old promise
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in losetogain's LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 11th, 2019
3:47 am
Saturday, October 20th, 2012
1:20 pm
Monday, April 2nd, 2012
9:28 am
+.08 lbs

But wait! that last post was almost one year ago, that's not the progress I was shooting for. In my last post I"m promising visions of 260's dancing in your head and I still haven't delivered.

Let me catch you up on the last year, because it has been an interesting one weight-wise.

I got a mysterious pain down in my "mommy daddy parts". It was akin to being kicked in the balls for about 5 months. That wasn't fun but in early October at around 295 lbs I decided enough was enough. After 10 months of piddling around with little efforts, then binging my way back to where I was before and then some, I decided to get real, I finally re-decided I really want this and I"m going to do what it takes to get it.

I had no idea what awaited me. Halloween, Christmas, New Years, and every family event in between I watched as delicious home made food and dessert were sprawled out before me. Relatives actually came up to me and begged me to try their cookies, as they valued my opinion (because it was usually so enthusiastic... I do love a good cookie). I even stuck my hand in dough and made christmas cookies without a single morsel passing these lips. What a trying time. Meanwhile, I exercised more than I ever have in my life. For 30 straight days in a row, without fail (through the mysterious pain) and many, many more days. But at the end of it all, come New Years eve and January, and even February, I had only lost a measly 3 lbs in 3 months.

What was wrong? I was exercising, I was eating better than I ever had before (high protein, high fiber, no sugar, all vitamins, never more than 2000 calories). So how was this possible? I actually don't know and probably never will. What I did finally realize after going through such a painful process (not losing when you're giving it your all is scarier and more painful than getting kicked in the balls, i have learned) I knew something had to change. I looked in the mirror and decided to stop spending so much energy and focus on not sending my body into starvation mode by making sure I was always eating enough. I decided that whatever my body was doing was worse than starvation mode, so it couldn't hurt and I cut my calories down to 1200 to 1300. I did this for about 5 days and then allowed myself to eat a pretty good amount. Then the flood gates finally opened and here we are again.

Last time I hinted at the 260's being very close. Well, they are still very close and I could make the same mistake and say that they are just around the corner. So i'm going to go ahead and do that. They are just around the corner.

I leave you with my weights for the last year that I've missed. Sorry I've been away so long (one reader, if you haven't passed away from natural causes), but the Old promise may be older, but its still alive and I"m still fighting. See you soon.

4/28/11 -270.4
5/14/11 -270.0
6/1/11 -273.6
6/24/11 -272
7/3/11 -278
7/19/11- 282
7/24/11- 286
1/10/12- 281.2
1/25/12- 277
2/18/12- 278
2/27/12- 281
3/01/12- 287
3/05/12- 278.6
3/11/12- 276
4/01/12- 270.8
Saturday, May 14th, 2011
11:37 pm

Funny that I said I couldn't believe I was about to be in the 260's soon, seeing as I guess I wasn't about to be in the 260's. It's been over 2 weeks and very minimal change. Not sure why as you can see clearly what i've done during those weeks.

Oh also, i can believe I'm about to be in the 260's, there's no more disbelief.
11:34 pm
Saturday, May 7th, 2011
12:11 pm

I'll weigh at the end of this week and see how that's going. Would like to mark off some more numbers.
Friday, May 6th, 2011
9:30 pm
A day late but I got the dollar.
So it's been a weird week full of insane procrastination levels like the world has never seen. I would go into great detail but I'm a bit tired right now, so maybe tomorrow.

For the first four days of my weekly challenge I did everything perfect, calories, protein amounts... oh wait, not everything. I didn't work out at all. I don't know what was wrong with me, I didn't feel particularly bad, but I also didn't feel good. Whatever the reason, all the sudden I had 3 days left and I had done nothing. Now I owed my board 5 thirty minute work outs. So I went and hopped on the elliptical to give it what I had and then hopped right back off about 4 seconds later.

The thought of busting my butt and being on that thing was unbearable. I was tired, sluggish and I just wanted to stay that way. Nothing sounded worse to me than being on that thing. So two days left and I figured I would just do 1hr 15 minutes per day. That was a good plan except that after 30 minutes something happened to me. I don't know what it was exactly but I felt like I was going to pass out. This isn't me being lazy, I really was worried and had the phone in case I needed to call 911 because my head felt very heavy all the sudden. I tried drinking water, eating etc and I felt like that for the rest of the day.

So it's the last day and I have 2 hours to go. I'm still 70lbs overweight so I don't know if 2 hours of straight cardio on the elliptical is possible but I figure I'll break it up and find out as I felt much better than the previous day. I managed to break off 1 hour and 20 minutes before I got very shaky and very weak. I wanted to push it 10 more minutes to get it even and only have 30 left, but I really couldn't and didn't want to do anything stupid. So there it was, due to my procrastination and then weird illness I wasn't going to complete my goals. I felt that pang of disappointment when you let yourself down and could only shake my head and grumble.

But wait a minute, today on my day of rest, I jumped on the elliptical and pedaled out 40 minutes to complete my challenge. I needed an extra day to do it, but I did it and I think i paid the price for my procrastination.

Dear me: For future reference, don't do that.

Squandered my rest day this week, new (tougher) goals tomorrow.
Friday, April 29th, 2011
1:30 pm
Weekly Goals

Trying to bump my calories up a little bit because they really are too low. Going with perfect eating for the entire week, no day of rest in between.

And a look at the big picture.
Thursday, April 28th, 2011
9:13 am

Can't believe that I might be in the 260's soon. Looking back since January it's been a very weird (and mentally exhausting ride). Weeks and months with no loss and then two giant losses seemingly at once. I actually went back to the early days and read a lot of this journal and the one pattern that is blatantly obvious is that from week to week, my weight means almost nothing. There are a dozen examples of me working my tail off and gaining weight and being gutted on here, just to turn around and in a week or two drop a huge amount. I realize now that those weeks that I gained, I didn't really, and those weeks that I dropped 8 lbs, I also didn't really do that. My body likes to hang onto those pounds before it will give them up, but the key is, if I do what I need to do I know on some random week, they will be given up.

I guess what i'm trying to say is: The scale can suck my ass. (Although i'm not mad at it this week)
8:56 am
It's hard work bein this pretty.

Perfection. What a great week back in every way. It was difficult and i had to be rigidly consistent especially when I didn't feel like it, but I did it and that's all that matters.

For the week my calorie breakdown ended up at 796g carbs, 867g protein and 347g of fat.

The fat is a little high due to Easter, where I partook in the family meal but restricted myself to 2000 calories (that was a hell of a battle), but those women sure do like packing the fat in their food. Even eating a small amount shot it up there to about 90 for that day.

Anyway, good week, let's do another.
Thursday, April 21st, 2011
5:03 pm
Let's try this again

Feeling fully recovered and ready to hit this week hard.
Sunday, April 17th, 2011
4:57 pm
-7.8 lbs

Wait what? Heh, I have been recovering from surgery and have not eaten much solid food, so I'm sure that's the reason for the big drop. Don't know if it will come back or not, but I would settle for a 275 or 276 next week without a fuss.

As for my recovery, I'm doing very well now, it's been long and painful but I'm around the corner and hope to be back at it in the next day or two. I"ll update here when I"m ready to go with my weekly goals.
Tuesday, April 12th, 2011
11:10 pm
Change of plans
I had to go to the Emergency Room and have surgery due to an abscess, so needless to say I won't be completing my exercise goals and my calories were lower than they should have been. I"ll have to probably stick to liquids for a while, so my goals this week won't be met. Kind of bums me out but there's nothing I can do about it obviously. I will get back to exercising as soon as I'm able and I'll update when I set some new goals in the interim.
Monday, April 11th, 2011
2:47 pm

After an 11 lb loss this is to be expected and no sweat. Didn't do much last week and averaged about 1800 calories per day. Had a lot of sodium the day before my weigh in and ate breakfast first as well. I was happy with it and we'll see how i'm doing after this week of exercise and healthy eating.
2:25 pm
This week's goals

The bottom is how many calories for that day (17 = 1700 etc), i'm going to try calorie cycling this week and see how it goes. Protein 6x means mostly protein meals, either half of my calories from protein or at least 120 grams, which is hard to do on limited calories without half of them being from protein. Last week I was sick for a while and a lot went on and I didn't hit the elliptical once, so I'm going to get back on the exercise train this week with 6 days of workouts.
Sunday, April 3rd, 2011
7:45 pm

Last week's chart and this week's recently completed chart.

I'm going to start posting my chart on the first day, then updating how I did at the end of the week. So far i'm perfect.

Here's where I am at weight-wise

And if you just follow me here, I posted a new video at http://www.youtube.com/losetogain
11:44 am
-11.2 lbs

Whoo hoo!

After months of stagnation I'm finally getting results. I had made a goal not to weigh at all this week but that ended last night and I knew I needed to put down an official weight here cause it had been a while. I talked to myself before and had noticed my clothes were a little looser, so no matter what it said, I was going to be proud of the effort I have put into this in the last 3 weeks. I have just jumped right back into the mix with my weight goal, which ends on Oct 25th. I'm only one pound off now.

This has been a pretty sick roller coaster ride these last 3 months but I think I have a handle on this bull now and I'm ready to ride her into the sunset. LET'S GO! :)))))
Friday, April 1st, 2011
10:10 pm
If you've ever attempted to lose weight, you are very familiar with that sinking feeling you get when looking in the mirror, or seeing your picture. You are going along well and you feel more energized and you're eating better and exercising and feeling alive, like a whole new person. Then it hits you in the face like a freight train, your own image. So contrary to how you feel and what you've been doing, it's like looking into a dreadful past that is literally haunting you at the present. It only takes a split second, before you can even process the image you've just seen, doubt, frustration and impatience takes it's hold. It's demoralizing and it makes that nearest fast food restaurant seem a little closer than it just had been.

I just took a picture of myself, thinking I would take a picture a day until I get to goal. I've had this idea before but taking a picture a day and not moving in weight for years starts to seem pointless. But this time I'm motivated, this time I'm on the fast track to success, this time I can't be stopped. Until I flipped over the camera and saw my face. I tried to imagine myself looking back at this picture someday and feeling pride that I have come so far, but even that thought is depressing me right now, because that's where I'm at right now. Stuck, right here, right now. There's nothing I can do that's going to change how I look today, or even in a week. I know from experience the change is very gradual and overall it's almost unnoticeable with a few "ah ha!" moments conservatively sprinkled here and there.

I don't feel like the guy in the picture, the guy who is writing these words. I feel like the guy standing victorious at the finish line. Losing weight isn't easy, anyone claiming so is selling you something that isn't going to work. It's like swimming through a big moat filled with sharks and they slowly rip pieces of you away. If you stop swimming you sink. Only swimming through the moat (once you're in) is an easy decision, swim or die, but with weight loss it's always a hard choice. Every single second of the day you are asked to make the hard choice. Some days are easier but it's always there and it's practically easier to grab a cookie than it is to bake some chicken and hit the elliptical. It's mentally easier to give in than to stand strong. But if you keep on swimming, keep on baking and keep on fighting, one day you wake up and the picture on the other side of the camera is you.

At least that's what I tell myself on nights like this one.

Monday, March 28th, 2011
4:41 pm
After the general meltdown that was my last post, I've picked myself up and dusted myself off and am on the road again. I troubleshot my scales with some fixed weights and found that the problem is when it's moved around on my uneven floor, so i've set it in a specific place where it will never move and I have vowed not to touch it.

The last weight I got was 284 and that's what I'm going with for now, but I don't plan on weighing this week, so I"ll officially update that in 2 weeks or so. Either way, i'm coming off one of the best weeks of my life eating and going for a repeat performance, to feel anything but proud is just a total waste of time. Can't believe I let myself fall into the scale trap again. Oh well, we live and we learn, then we forget and learn again.

Till next time.
Friday, March 25th, 2011
2:29 pm
I don't know what I weigh or if I lost. It said 288 this morning, then went to 289.8, then 287.3, so who knows. My scale sucks and so does my body. I ate an average of 1400 calories this week and over 50% of all my calories were from protein. Best week of eating I've ever had but I have no way of measuring and it looks like my weight didn't really change once again. I'm so frustrated I could throw the shit scale through the wall. I don't know how to track my progress and I don't even know if I"m making progress. I can't afford a good scale and even if I could, it would probably say the same thing.

I worked out 6x this week, very hard and surpassed all my goals I set for myself, except of course the weight one. Couldn't lose 2lbs and if I did, I don't know about it.

I just know after over 2 months, the scale hasn't moved very much. Don't really know what to do. I'll just keep pressing forward but I need a new goal.

Measuring is what everyone is saying right now, but that doesn't work with me very well, due to the loose skin. I guess I'll figure something out. I really just wanted to see some progress, for once after putting so much of myself into this and I was smacked in the face again.

It's hard and frustrating and painful and disheartening but it's part of this. This is where everyone stops. Here or way before here. If you want to actually be one of the few to make it, you just have to not stop and believe that it is all worth it in the end.

But right now I just want to crawl in a hole.
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